Should I hate you? I don't even know the truth. I hate that feeling. We all hate being lied to. But when its your mom lying to you about your blood father, or not giving you the full story, you just want to ram your fist up beside her face. But you don't, because you drown in depression. Especially if you where in the situation I was in.
So....I've never met my biological father. Yeah, sucks. But I have my step father, who is my REAL dad. I don't give a shit about blood. He raised me from when I was six weeks old, they day I "chose him" as my dad. My mom gave me to him to hold and he was a bit nervous. I grabbed his pinky when I was in his arms and I would not let go, as my parents say.
But sometimes that idea of 'my biological side is out there'. And even if you don't know the real story, it still hurts. I've gotten better though. I can now talk about it openly and not feel so sad, or feel like I needed to breakdown.
Now, the story. My mom, she told me the story of why he left, or at least how he left. But one night I realized she never told me the whole truth, and what she had told me was different and less detailed than what I had heard.
My mom is always on Yahoo! Christian Chat (though I hardly believe she is much of a Christian now, and I have my reasons). One night, about four months ago, I was really thirsty. So I walk out of my bedroom to get some water. I hear my mom talking on the free hand thing, and I hid in the shawdows of the hallway because I heard she was talking about Dean (yes, I was being nosy. But hey, I deserve to have alittle information. I used to cry myself to sleep when I was 10.)
That night, I cried myself asleep again. The story she told the people in chat was different, and sounded more like the truth because it was more detailed. I cried, and I was pissed, for one reason. She was openly telling this story to a bunch of people that she may or may not know, just talking away giving away all details, and yet she fucking hasn't taken the time to tell me the whole story the 3 times I asked. I don't care how the story went. I used to get so upset when I went to sleep when I was 10 and 11 because all I had ever wanted right then was to know where the heck the dude was. Then I have to feel the pain but in a different way. That night, not only did I have all those same thoughts I had the previos years, but now I also felt rage and anger, because how the hell are you going to tell these people the story, and yet not even tell the truth to the one who cares most about all of this. Heck, even my dad knows what he looks like. What about me?
I'm not trying to pull this self-pity thing. This is my online journal, so I am just putting down some thoughts.
I learned today, no matter what position you are in, when you play Twister, your thighs will burn. Me, Libby, Bailey, and Phillip all played, and that was a painful experience. At the end of youth group, Julia and Phillip had to lock up. And since Julia is my ride home, I had to saty for an extra 40 min because not only did they have to lock up, but Julia was talking to a some woman. Doesn't matter though, me and Phillip got to talk some. We talked about different things as time passed by.
Anyways, life is now smoothing out for me. My dad is still a pain in the butt but oh well, I'll live.
Whats the point of having truth as a choice in truth or dare? Everyone picks dare, wether they are in a wild mood or their affraid people will think they are a sissy. I know I always pick dare. I've only ever picked truth twice, and that was when I wasn't in a 'fun' mood. So, why isn't it called 'Dare'?
Music is enjoyment for some, and for others its a way of life. We start bands or play an instrument, or we just turn on our radio every one in awhile to just sit on our bed and relax while listening to stations like G105 or K93.9.
I, personally, am in love with music, no lie. Though maybe I don't know of as many bands as some people, but I have to say without music, the only thing that would keep me alive is God. I have always loved music, ever since I was very young. I would always be in the backyard swinging on thee swings, singing until my parents told me to come in. When I was younger though, I never thought about becoming a singer. I always wanted to become something really big, like the first female presedent, or a police officer. Something extremely important. It wasn't until second grade that I realized, a singer is what I wanted to be. Not for the money, but for the love of singing. What really made me sure of this dream, is that me and my best friend Lydia (we haven't talked in forever, my phone # changed and apparently so did hers) did the talent show together, and we sang the song, "Follow the Drinking Goard(sp?)". We must of looked so cute, a little white girl and a little black girl dressed in dresses that looked just alike but different colors (I was wearing a blue dress because my eyes are blue and Lydia wore a brown dress because her eyes were brown) singing a song that people in slavery would sing to get up north.
Ever since then, all I've ever wanted to be is a singer. Even now. But now I realize how big of a job that really is, not because of poperotsi (I spelled that so wrong I bet), not because of tabloids (again, probably spelled wrong), but because of where I want to go when I become a singer, what my plan is. I'll be shot, most likely, but I'm willing to take that chance. And I believe that thats my reason for living, thats my pourpose.
Ok, so here I have 3 videos. These are by a couple of Japanese dudes that live in Hawaii(sp?) that are just really hillarious in my opnion. So, these 3 videos are don't have to go together in this order, but this is the order they were made in and that they make the most sense if you watch them in this order. And stay tuned, theres bloopers at the end XD . Also, pay attention to the opening of each video. The song matches up very well with the video there showing.
1st, How To Be Ninja (opening song, Kung Fu Fighting- Carl Douglas)
2nd, How To Be Gangster (opening song, Soulja Boy- Crank Dat)
3rd, How To Be Emo (opening song, Get Down With The Sickness- Disturbed)
